Category: Fun

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it… I’m going to call it Earth. It’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s the Province of Alberta, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches. The people from the Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance.”

God smiled, “There’s Calgary…Wait till you see the hockey team I put there.”

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe
sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

USA: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your children are?”

Italy: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your husband is?”

France: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your wife is?”

Poland: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know what time it is?”

… can you find laws like these:

• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Glendale

Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden

If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County

No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa

It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

Mohave County

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales

An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott

No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson

Women may not wear pants. 🙂

Tombstone

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

This is really simple: it was GREAT!!

Some guy entered a local newspaper’s pun contest.  He sent in 10 different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win the prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A three-year-old was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “are those my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.