Category: Fun

Lesson to be learned from typing a wrong Email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After Reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Remember when gaming was still awesome?

You’ve got to love the Canadian sense of humour.

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are several real examples that have been heard or reported by passengers from flight attendants on real flights:

On a West Jet flight. There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
———————–
On another West Jet Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
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On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
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“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
———————–
“Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight  announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
———————–
From a West Jet Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
———————
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
———————–
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
———————–
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
—————————
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
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Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton; The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
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Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
——————-
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
———————–
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of West Jet Airways.”
———————–
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
———————–
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger yelled: “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

Have you done something naughty? Something you wish you’d never started? Need to make your paths straight but can’t find a priest to confess to?

Lucky for you, there’s http://tellthe.net/confess/

And who says there’s no such thing as progress?

I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.

Honestly, what were these people thinking when they registered these domains?!

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com  (2013 update: phew, they changed it)

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com  (2013 update: phew, they changed it)

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com (2013 update: now a smut site)

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com  (2013 update: now a smut site)

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com (2013 update: phew, they changed it)

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com  (2013 update: phew, they changed it)

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com  (2013 update: phew, they changed it)

…Now, let’s see: Snee-zl. Sn-eezl. S-nee-zl. Sneez-l… (phew… there’s nothing funny hidden in “Sneezl”!)

🙂

What good is being bald if you can’t laugh at it? Hopefully you find some the following baldness jokes funny!

100 Balding & Bald Head Jokes

1. Four fellows

What’s the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and Bald Bill?

A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Bald Bill has no hair apparent.

2. Little Billy asks about baldness

Little Billy is eating breakfast one morning and gets to thinking about things.

“Mommy, mommy, why does Bald Bill have so few hairs on his head?” he asks his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replies his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick answer to Little Billy’s question.

Or she is until Billy thinks for a second and asks, “So why do you have so much hair?”

3. Bald Bill is so bald…

Bald Bill is so bald, even a wig won’t help!

4. Bald Bill is still so bald…

Bald Bill is so bald you can see what’s on his mind.

5. Bald Bill, no hair yet….

Bald Bill is so bald that he took a shower and got brain-washed.

6. Bald Bill, he’s still bald…

Bald Bill is so bald, his ears are hairier than his head.

7. Masquerade Party

Bald Bill is invited to a costume party. He rushes to the costume shop. He tells the shop owner that he wants a costume that will hide both his bald head and his wooden leg. The store owner goes to the back of the store, and returns with a pirate costume. “This will cover your head with a bandanna, and your wooden leg will look just like part of your costume.”

“That’s not going to work,” said Bald Bill. “I asked for a costume that covers both my baldness and my wooden leg.”

The store owner apologizes, and returns to the back of the store. He returns a few minutes later, carrying a monk’s habit. “This long robe will cover your wooden leg, and your bald head will seem to be just part of the costume.”

Bald Bill is irate. “I said I wanted a costume that would cover both my baldness, and my wooden leg!”

The store owner apologizes again to Bald Bill, and returns to the back of the store. He returns with a jar of molasses and a hockey stick, which he hands to Bald Bill.

“What am I supposed to do with these?” Bald Bill asks.

The store owner replies, “Pour this molasses on your head, remove your wooden leg, and use the hockey stick for balance. You’ll almost look like a caramel apple.”

8. Comb

What did Bald Bill say when he got a comb for his birthday?

“Thanks, I’ll never part with it!”

9. Nag

Bald Bill’s wife nagged him so much,

…his scalp turned gray.

10. Christmas

What did Bald Bill get for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

11. Dancing

After accepting an invitation to dance with Bald Bill, a young woman wants to lighten the mood and says, “Honey, God was good to you! He gave you a handsome face and room for another one.”

12. Shout it out loud

Bald Bill was teased everywhere he went because of his totally bald head. After enduring years of this abuse, he can take it no longer. He proceeds to climb the tallest statue in town, and proclaims, “I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair!”

13. Pigheaded

Bald Bill: Doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Doctor: How about a few pounds of pig manure?

Bald Bill: Will that cure my baldness?

Doctor: No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice.

14. Hair loss

Bald Bill: Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?

Doctor: Yes, here is a paper bag !

15.Bill going outside

Why did Bald Bill go outside ?

To get some fresh hair !

16. Bald Bill questions the barber

Bald Bill: Couldn’t you see I was going bald?

Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

17. Bald Bill questions the barber again

Bald Bill: Why did you take off so much hair?

Barber: I didn’t, nature beat me to it.

18. Still more barber questions

Bald Bill: Why is my hairline receding?

Barber: It’s not. Your scalp is advancing.

19. Kelly and Shelly

Kelly: Have you noticed that Bald Bill is getting taller?

Shelly: No, why ?

Kelly: His head is sticking through his hair.

20. Hare brained

Why did Bald Bill put a rabbit on his head?

Because he wanted a head of hare.

21. And you thought we were out of barber jokes.

Bald Bill: I want a hair cut please.

Barber: Certainly. Which one?

22. Polar bears

Why do polo bears like Bald Bill?

Because he has a great, white, bare place!

23. Haircut from his wife

Bald Bill’s wife was cutting his thinning hair, when little Billy arrived home looking for a snack. She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. “It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.

“And more hair than Bald Bill,” added Little Billy.

24. Three hair styles

There are three ways a man wears his hair: parted, unparted, and (like Bald Bill) departed.

25. American Online

Bald Bill knew he was going bald when he started getting more coupons for Rogaine than he got America Online disks.

26. Dandruff

Bald Bill doesn’t call it baldness, he considers it a cure for his dandruff.

27. Mr. Clean

Bald Bill considered it a sign he was going bald when tired housewives started expecting him to leave their kitchens sparkling clean and asked where his little gold earring went.

28. Denial

Bald Bill doesn’t call it a bald spot, he refers to it as “a haircut with a hole in it.”

29. Aerodynamics

I’m not saying Bald Bill is losing his hair, he’s just getting more aerodynamic.

30. Star Trek

Bald Bill, maybe there’s a reason people are calling you Captain Picard.

31. Hair Club

Bald Bill is so bald, he’s not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, he’s now a member.

32. Follicly challenged

Bald Bill won’t admit to being bald, he calls it being “follicly challenged”.

33. Ostrich

Bald Bill went to the zoo, and got chased out by the ostrich, who thought her egg was trying to run away.

34. Chromey

Bald Bill was disappointed to learn that the kids were not calling him “homey”, but “chromey.”

35. Hairline fracture

Bald Bill wonders if he can get a hairline fracture.

36. Three types

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.

If he is bald at the back, he is good looking.

Bald Bill is bald from front to back – he thinks he is good looking.

37. Pen

If Bald Bill were a pen, what kind would he be?

A bald point!

38. Wasted Energy

Teacher: Can you give me an example of wasted energy?

Little Billy: Yes,ma’am. Telling a hair-raising story to Bald Bill.

39. Hair Spot

Gee Bald Bill, you don’t have a bald spot. You have a hair spot!

40. Blowing a bubble

Bald Bill, are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

41. Comedy club

Bald Bill walks into a comedy club and the comedian spots his bald head.

He turns to the crowd and says, “Look, that guy spent all night doing his hair and then forgot to bring it with him.”

42. Did God make Bald Bill?

A little girl climbed into Bald Bill’s lap and studied his white, balding head.

“Did God make you?”, she asked.

“Yes”, he answered.

“Did God make me too?” she wondered.

“Yes”, he replied.

“Well,” she shrugged, “don’t you think he’s doing a lot better job now than he used to?”

43. Volleyball

Bald Bill had to stop playing volleyball because people kept swinging at his head.

44. Cue ball

Bald Bill had to stop playing pool because people repeatedly poked him in the back of the head with a cue stick.

45. Sunday School

The Sunday School teacher asked if any of the children had heard a quote from the Bible in the past week. Little Billy spoke up, “Bald Bill doesn’t have any hair on his head. He says that God put hair on everything that he was ashamed of.”

46. Shatner

I’m not saying Bald Bill is bald, but next to him, William Shatner’s hair piece looks pretty good.

47. Hollywood Calls

Bald Bill was elated to hear that Hollywood had called, until he heard the project was a remake of Kojak.

48. Ron Popeil

Bald Bill’s friends should have realized things had gotten bad when he started investing in Ron Popeil’s spray-on hair product.

49. Kojak

I’m not saying Bald Bill is losing his hair, but he has developed a habit of sucking on lollipops and saying “Who loves ya, baby?”

50. Shampoo

Bald Bill’s friend tried to cheer him up, “Sure you’re losing your hair, but think how long a bottle of shampoo will last you.”

51. Hare’s baldy!

What do Bald Bill and a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards have in common?

A receding hare line.

52. Shades

I’m not saying Bald Bill is going bald, but he does find people putting on their shades when talking to him in a well lit room.

53. Nuclear

I’m not saying Bald Bill is losing his hair, but the nuclear safety officer has made an appointment to see him.

54. Face wash

I’m not saying Bald Bill is losing his hair, but each day it takes him longer to wash his face.

55. Santa

There is such a glare off Bald Bill’s head, Santa has asked him to guide his sleigh.

56. More forehead

Oh Bald Bill, don’t consider it losing your hair, consider it gaining more forehead.

57. Bald man’s best friend

Things reached a low point when Bill’s dog made a play doll from all his shedding hair.

58. Sunrise

Bald? Let’s just say that around Bald Bill’s house, the sun rises twice each morning.

59. Three strand comb over

Bill turned to hats when even a properly executed “three strand comb-over” couldn’t cover his baldness.

60. Compliment

Bald Bill wondered if “Nice face, it goes all the way to the back of your head” was really a compliment.

61. Walking on hands

Bald Bill was disappointed when growing a beard and walking on his hands fooled no one.

62. Hair Carpet

While Bald Bill’s hair thins, the hair carpet in the bathroom keeps getting thicker.

63. Rogaine a la Clapton

“When Bald Bill bends down, there’s a shine on his crown, Rogaine.”

(Sung to the tune of “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton)

64. Clapton a la Rogaine

“Don’t forget this fact, it growing back, Rogaine.”

“Your head shines, your head shines, Rogaine.”

65. Royal treatment

When Bald Bill knelt before the queen, she asked him to put on a hat.

66. Hair back

Billy: Bald Bill has long, flowing hair all down his back.

Willy: Pity it’s not on his head!

67. NBA

Sorry Bald Bill, but I don’t think it was your rebounding that prompted your nickname of “Charles Barkley.”

68. Thought Police

Bald Bill is so bald, you can see his thoughts.

69. What are friends for?

Cheer up Bald Bill, you can now wear a plunger for a hat!

70. Webster’s

Webster’s now defines “pitiful” as: “Bald Bill actually wearing a t-shirt that says, ‘solar panel for a dance machine.'”

71. Barber

Bald Bill is so bald, he quit going to the barber for hair cuts, now he goes seeking donations!!

72. Arab

Bald Bill, that is so sad, you’re wearing a turban and you’re not even Persian!

73. Yuck!

It was truly gross when strangers started popping pimples in the reflection off Bald Bill’s forehead.

74. Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Bald Bill was saddened to find an anonymously left chia wig on his desk.

75. Fugazi

Bald Bill never understood why he got the VIP treatment at the Fugazi concert.

76. I propose

When Bald Bill knelt down to propose to his wife, she had to put on her shades!

77. Sunglass hut

Sales at the Sunglass Hut showed a glaring increase when Bald Bill was working.

78. Styling Gel

Bald Bill is so bald, instead of styling gel, he uses suntan oil.

Note: for a really great gel, check out structured silver gel. It doesn’t cure baldness (since when does balding need to be cured?) but it is nice for dry skin and minor skin issues.

79. Fairies

In the hope of getting rich, Bald Bill has started placing his lost hair underneath his pillow for the Tooth Fairy’s long-lost cousin, “Hair Fairy.”

80. Planes

Bald Bill’s head is so shiny, pilots mistake him for a runway beacon.

81. Coast guard

Bald Bill’s head is so shiny, the coast guard offered him a job as a lighthouse.

82. Mirror, mirror

Bald Bill was disappointed when his daughter started using his forehead as a makeup mirror.

83. Face washing

Little Billy asked Bald Bill, “When you wash your face, how do you know where to stop?”

84. Shine on

Bald Bill’s head is so shiny, he has to wear sunglasses to look at his reflection in the mirror.

85. Shedding

Bald Bill is losing so much hair, even his dog is complaining about all the shedding!

86. Cheer up

Little Billy tried to cheer up Bald Bill, “At least no one will ask to borrow your comb!”

87. Yul Brynner

Unfortunately for Bald Bill, the Yul Brynner look never really took root.

88. Nair

Bald Bill found no humor in the Nair shampoo his friend gave him for his birthday.

89. Falling hair

Bald Bill: What can I do to avoid falling hair?

Barber: Get out of the way!

90. That sucks

Bald Bill: What should I buy for my falling hair?

Barber: A good vacuum cleaner!

91. Angel

Bald Bill is so bald, when he goes outside on a sunny day, people think he’s an angel.

92. Sad state of affairs

Bald Bill knew the end was near when the thought of growing his eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing them straight back actually crossed his mind.

93. Roll on

Bald Bill is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck, he looks like a roll-on deodorant.

94. Oh well

Bald Bill thought he had attracted the attention of a pretty young lady, until he realized she was just checking her makeup in the reflection on his scalp!!

95. Call a plumber

Bald Bill suspected hair loss when he found himself going through five gallons of Drano each week.

96. It’s a job

Bald Bill was disappointed to learn that his new modeling job was for Toupees ‘R Us.

97. Yokes on him

Perhaps coincidence, perhaps not, Bald Bill suddenly found himself attracted to hard boiled eggs.

98. For you

Bald Bill became discouraged by the number of times he heard, “…but your face suits it.”

99. Patriotic

Patriotic as he is, Bald Bill hates being compared to our national symbol.

100. Yeah, 100!

Bald Bill is so bald, there are 100 jokes about him!

101. Futuristic

Bald Bill is so bald, his scalp is ahead of its time.

102. Did you know?

You might be related to Bald Bill??

 

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